I realize today that I have been using love as a doormat instead of a doorway.
I have in the name of love compromised my value and self-worth by putting others before myself with the unintentional intention of gaining love. I have used love to validate actions that were unloving and harmful to my self-esteem and self-worth by valuing myself through external validation and praise. I told myself lies. I told myself that other people’s happiness was more important than my own which intern validated my valuelessness. I accepted what morsels and crumbs that were given to me as validation of love which in turn re-validated my worthlessness.
I have in the name of love compromised my value and self-worth by putting others before myself with the unintentional intention of gaining love. I have used love to validate actions that were unloving and harmful to my self-esteem and self-worth by valuing myself through external validation and praise. I told myself lies. I told myself that other people’s happiness was more important than my own which intern validated my valuelessness. I accepted what morsels and crumbs that were given to me as validation of love which in turn re-validated my worthlessness.
When I was a child I often used my weekly allowance to buy cake; A delicious chocolate blackout cake from McKenzie bakery, near my house. Because I had a whole cake and not just a slice I was made to share my cake with my family. My brothers where delighted. They enjoyed slice after slice as well as my mother and father too. Sometimes I would go into the fridge to get a slice and often I was left with just the crumbs, although this made me so happy because I was praised for not being selfish and created a love of sharing in me. I internalized this experience on a deeper level through my child like understanding in ways that have not been healthy. Until today, I have valued myself only through others validation and praise. I have internalize this experience as not being worthy of having anything of my own and the only way to receive love was through self sacrifice. I learned to accept the crumbs.
I realize today that I am worth the whole cake not just the crumbs.
Thought for Today:
Love is a doorway to greater love not a doormat for self devaluation!
Today’s Affirmation:
I use love as a doorway to greater love.
