Fighting for MY Life

There are days like today that I really wish that I could return to the life I used to live; the life of being unconscious and happy go lucky. I was moving along in mass consciousness not taking responsibility for my actions believing that life was happening to me and not through me. Then one day the Divine urge woke me up and I said yes. “What was I thinking?” I wasn’t I was feeling and being alive.

I remember that morning I said yes. I awoke from a dream of climbing a steep mountain. I knew that I could take the long way around. I saw it, two paths.  I could which one; the long winding path that traversed through the valley and up the mountain from a side ways meandering gait or I could choose the stairs, a direct route with beautiful vistas, a journey that was more challenging and gave dramatic views of the ocean. I choose to take the stairs, that cut short the travel time but took more effort. I remember climbing one step, two steps and so on until I got to a point where I felt as if I were climbing straight up in the air. It was steep and it took all of me to do. It took every ounce of focus and determination, perseverance and drive to keep me moving. I remember in that dream never looking back to see where I had come from or looking up to see how much I had to go. I focused all my attention on getting to the top one step at a time.

That is me today. I need me to move with a sense of urgency. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I feel like if I don’t get there I will die. I feel the tears even now as I write this. It is hard to breath but I do little sips of air until I can take a deep breath and I do.  I  breathe and I remember the end of the dream. I saw me at the top, ushered in with support, crossing the threshold of the apex of all my desires. It is this vision that I allow to pull me forward. I get it now. “They” said allow the vision to pull me forward. “They” said the future dictates the present. Yes. I have seen that I will reach the top. It is this that I focus on and allow to pull me forward to my destiny.

The bible says that “my people perish without dreams” I have dreamt the dream and now I must do what it takes to bring it to fruition. I had fallen asleep behind the wheel. I had slipped back into unconsciousness. I had fallen into a stupor and I am jolted awake by this feeling of heaviness on my chest and a catch in my throat like I am drowning. I have been afraid to take in life. I had been afraid to take a full breath. Yes breathing is what I must do to make it. I think of “Buffy” Anissa Mcunu her motto “keep pushing y’all” and I press on to the finish line.

My goal lay just past the tape of completing this year at inner vision. I thought my goal was that end; to walk across the stage at graduation. Now I see my goal is the life I will lead and who I will be when this step is complete. “She” is the one fighting for her life. “She” is the one blaring in my ear to breathe. “She” is the one doing mouth to mouth resuscitating me back to life, begging me to breathe, wake up, her life depends on it.

I feel “Her” presence aching inside of me with deep longing. I feel “Her” presence urging me forward to say yes again. “She” is no longer willing to accept “I can’t”.  “She” is no longer willing to accept “I don’t know how”. “She” is no longer willing to accept I’m afraid”. “She” can see “Her” life beyond my limitations, beyond the fears and doubts. “She” can see “Her” power and “Her” presences as God’s Beloved child. “She” can taste it on the tip of her thoughts. “She” can smell the mouthwatering unconditional love that lay just on the other side of YES.  “She” is me.