My love! Let me share with you today something I had not been aware of until today. Today I realized that I did not "want" to be "gay". I always thought that I was OK with the fact that I am.
I am out at work, out with friends and family, I live my life "out loud and proud" or so I thought. Paul Ferrini in his book Love without conditions talks about thinking that the issues we clearly see as other peoples are really our issues, in fact I actually blogged about it in a writing titled If I see It It's Mine. Well, mine stared me in the face many times even though I couldn't see it as mine at the time. Throughtout the years I have been in friendships and sometimes in intimate relationships with people who are gay and hide it in some way or another. Some hide it behind drinking others hide it in drugs some behind the mask of bisexuality (that was me too) and others delve into who we are as a badge of honor hidden behind a deep self loathing that is unrecognizable to the naked eye (that's me too). All of them are reflections of me. They showed me the ugly truth about myself when I did not have the courage or strength to see it.
Today I feel like I have given birth to myself. I always thought that I had chosen to be "gay". I thought I could go either way because I don't hate men, or find them displeasing in a physical way. I believed the lie that I was fed as a child that lesbians hate men, and because I didn't, I thought surely I must be choosing to be gay. I know that sounds so silly now as I write it but on some deep level it made more sense before today. Today I can now see all the ways I have denied who I am because of shame and guilt. Today I forgive myself for not loving myself as I am. Today I realize that I could never really love anybody for who they are until I learn to love me for who I am just as I am. Today I recognize my divinity and my healing as a child of God just as I am.
Thought for Today:
Sometimes we think that God has made a mistake, when in reality it is us who made the mistake of thinking that God could have ever created anything in us but perfection. Every time we have a judgement it is an error in our thinking that must be changed.
Today's Affirmation:
I AM a Divine child of God just as I am. I was created on purpose for a purpose.
