Room for Improvement

All around us the death toll rings during Covid 19. We hear of hundreds a day as the apex of this experience begins to crest. As metaphysicians let us seek to actively participate in this process through utilizing this experience for more Spiritual growth and enlightenment so that we emerge from this more improved, more open and loving, more free to love, be loved and know our inherent value and worth unattached to the trappings of external validation or approval. Let us morn the loss of our loved ones and celebrate the death of things that are no longer working in our-lives that we see as we

are sheltered in place. Today let us awaken to the decision to die to the lies that we have told ourselves about ourself and that which we have consciously and unconsciously eaten from others. The spoons filled with insecurities, plates of not-enough-ness and jam jars of self deprecating thoughts and behaviors.

When I was younger I used to live by the motto; good, better, best, may you never let it rest until your good gets better and your better is best. For years I lived this motto and it was a successful motivator in my life. Today on my morning “W’OG”, walk/jog, I had an awakening. My Good is good enough. I am good enough and my best is always unfolding. There is no, good, to get better and no better to make best. Good is good, and it is enough. 

I had a moment of clarity to break it down. Language is so limiting and yet it is something we rely on to communicate. In our subconscious minds it does not make distinctions. It is a factory of acceptance, so to say better implies that there is something wrong with what you have. It says there is something lacking and when we, you, I or anyone creates, thinks or makes something that is good then it is good, period. What is good can be improved upon and that means we take something that is working and make it improved in efficiency, or color, or application. We can improve upon something but if we make something better then invariably we see it as something that has something wrong with it. Can you follow this line of thinking? It is making sense to you?

So all the years I said I wanted to be better, it was in essence saying I was “bad,” unworthy, useless, not enough. Today I realize the absurdity of this and I am able to accept my inherent worth. I can say and mean it, I am good. I am enough. and I feed this to my subconscious mind which accepts this just as readily as she did it’s opposite. I can accept my good and know that what is good within me and about me can always be improved upon. That is evolution. I am in a constant state of evolving. The cycles of evolution, the stages of life can be seen all around us. The Good in us must increase because it is that which gives life. It must improve because it is that which evolves that creates more life. Life is that substance of God that lives in each of us that gives us life. 

You my dear, you and you and you, each of you are “gOod.” You are the evolution in action, love in motion, life unfolding, amazingly, brilliantly, you! 

The boundaries of Love

Positive Post a Day #91
For those of us who've experience sexual abuse and have issues with creating healthy boundaries creating the boundaries can feel intimidating. We haven't had a clear sense of what ours is to protect, especially if you felt unprotected. On a very deep level the abuse taught us that we weren't entitled to personal space because it was our very own person and space that was violated. We often see people who have clear
boundaries as mean, guarded or aloof. Inside our soul is crying out for us to stand up for them.

I have often gone around unconsciously allowing people to violate my personal space. Even when I felt uncomfortable, taking small steps to create distance between me and them I  didn't challenge it when the space was trespassed upon again for fear of appearing mean or making the other person uncomfortable. I also in turn violated others personal space, not valuing or understanding their want for distance. I labeled them as uncaring, mean or I felt rejected.

Boundaries are necessary. Creating boundaries is healthy and a necessary part of the process of healing the inner wounded that has created a chasm between you and self worth. The value of caring for ourself through creating boundaries reaps plentiful rewards. It fosters self respect, self worth and self appreciation. It allows us to walk the earth as equals. As Responsible BEings fully capable of living life on our own terms. It releases co dependence, judgment and shame. It enables us to walk with our head held high because we Finally Know who we are and our Value comes from inside and we are not defined by anything or anyone
www.kimanidivine.com

I AM EVOLUTION IN ACTION

I have often claimed I am a work in progress. I said this with much pride and as the saying goes when you know better you do better. Today I recognize what that means for me. It meant I was broken and working on myself. It meant something was “wrong” with me and I needed to “fix” it. It implied that I wasn’t good enough just as I am. That is not accurate. That is no longer “my story” Today I create a new story from a new awareness. I AM Evolution in Action! I am not broken. I don’t “need” to be fixed by me or anyone else nor can I “fix” you because there is absolutely “nothing” wrong with you.

Does this mean I am perfect? NO! Far from the truth I make mistakes. Plenty of them, however, I AM evolving into a being of God’s perfection. That journey starts where I am in each moment, NOW! I AM EVOLUTION IN ACTION!

Radical Self Love

I am sitting in Panera Bread Company feeling tightness in my chest. I have just posted day nine of the 13 Day journey into the self and I am wondering what the heck is wrong! I always suggest to “go” with the first thing that comes to mind, so I do that. What surfaces is a voice saying “you need to love yourself more.” This I have heard echoed over and over ever since last night.

(The Story)

Yesterday I went to dinner with a new friend I am getting to know and learning to love. She is intuitive, insightful and wise. We really don’t know each other very well yet and have just started hanging out. So….. last night she said to me those words. I was shocked and felt what I now understand to be was vulnerable and exposed. “Me”! How can she see me so clearly? (insert hysterical horror movie scream) She said she hadn’t noticed it before and all I could think of was how do you see it now?
I am usually the one to be able to see the perceived weaknesses in others, to have this microscope turned to me from someone whom I don’t know yet was a disarming experience. Now I see how the other shoe feels. (insert cynical laugh) I feel vulnerable and exposed. That is not a bad thing merely uncomfortable. What, I realize, causes the discomfort in me is the labels I have placed on the feeling. The label that first comes to mind is shame. I am ashamed that you can see me. Then comes a feeling…. Fear. Will you still like me, just as I am? Ahha! That is it!!! That is IT!!!! (Insert jumping up and down excitement) The shame was really hiding the fear that I am unlovable just as I am.

(The Truth)

I am aware that it is fear that I feel masked as shame. I accept that I am feeling fearful of being loved just as I am. I acknowledge that this is an opportunity for healing a belief and to create a new agreement based in love and self acceptance. I release the illusion of perfection and acknowledge that living from my authentic self allows for the exposure of the truth of who I am and anything unlike that truth comes to the surface to be revealed and healed. I accept the healing opportunity and declare now that in this moment that as I accepted this aspect of myself I have practiced “Radical Self Love” I love me just as in am. I love me when I am in fear; I love me when I am in faith and I LOVE ME in every state of being. (Insert a big self hug and Major self love and happy tears of falling in love with me!! Yippee!)

(Gratitude)
Thank you Ann Thomas for allowing the Divine Evolution of the Goddess within you to emerge in an authentic open dialogue I am in gratitude to you and to myself for being open to let love emerge as us.

The Bank of Self-Worth

Self devaluation comes from the deposit of shame, guilt and compromising personal integrity into the bank of self-worth.

Whenever I have made a decision that went against my gut instinct or core value I devalued my self-wroth. Each time I do this I withdraw from the bank of self and became decreased in my self-value until my bank became deficient. This deficiency shows up in my life as lack of funds, not enough-ness in love and affection and self imposed starvation. I of course know my worth is more than I have been accepting so then I deposit the false currency of shame into the bank of self-worth because when I feel worthless shame is an acceptable substitute to love. Accepting the valueless currency of shame in to my bank of self-worth lets me write the checks of guilt to the world because I know what I am giving is a valueless currency of non self-worth. When I use this currency in my interaction with the world I am compromising my personal integrity which in turn continues to deposit shame into my bank of self worth to write the checks of guilt and the compromise of my integrity. This is a viscous cycle.

In order to break the cycle I must first stop writing bad checks. When I am writing a check it is to get something which I desire, love, respect, attention, sex, etc…... First order of business is to stop all action and sit down and create a budget. This means that I will have to live off of whatever deposits of love I have inside. If I am emotionally bankrupt then I will stop the spending of emotional funds that I do not have until I have sufficient funds to withdraw from. It may appear to others that I no longer give and am only taking, taking, taking but I will instill trust into my bank of self-worth by being honest with myself about what I can spend right now. Once I see what I am bringing in I can look clearly at the currency and see it clearly says “In God I TRUST”. I realize that, that is the currency I can bank on and deposit. I can make that a daily deposit into my account of self-worth. Through acceptance and work that instills value and self-worth I can budget what I can expend and value my “self” enough not to go beyond my budget. I will reinvest my dividends into more self-worth and value and before you know it I will have a bank account that is worth billions. I live from the overflow of love that is inside and invaluable.

Thought For Today:
When I compromise my integrity I make my-self valueless. When I feel valueless I deposit shame and withdraw guilt. When I spend from guilt I reinvest worthlessness.

Today’s Affirmation:
I recognize behaviors, thought patterns and beliefs that support self-worth and self-love. I deposit only the emotional, physical and spiritual currency that is “In God I Trust” and accept no counterfeits.

Illuminating the Darkness

This morning I realized that I have been searching in the dark without a light.

We all will at some point on our journey take an account of our being, the dark side and the light. Debbie Ford explores the dark side in her book “The dark side of the light chasers”. In this book she invites you to look at all the parts of yourself you have disowned. What I realized today was that I did this without bringing my light. I would do things that I considered enlightening like prayer, fasting and reading spiritually uplifting books and magazines and then I would put that aside and drink and smoke and engage in other “self” destructive behaviors. What I did not do was to bring the light of being “prayed up” into the other behaviors to be able to witness them from a higher perspective. How could I accurately see my “self” in the dark, as the dark without the light? I realize now that when I did this I thought I was the dark not in the dark. We all have dark side and it is only in exploring these dark sides can we see the fullness of our being and our connection to our brothers and sisters of all walks of life. When we bring our light into our darkness we can release the shame attached to our dark behaviors and learn to accept ourselves exactly as we are. With our light we can see clearly into the darkness without being scared and allow the light of our inner being to bring clarity to our behavior, acceptance to the judgments and the freedom to be limitless in our expression of our being.

Thought for Today:
Darkness is not who I am it is a part of me when I cannot see my light. The light is who I am and illuminates all parts of me in the dark.

Today’s Affirmation:
I am of the light therefore I bring the light.

I ACCEPT WHO I AM

My love! Let me share with you today something I had not been aware of until today. Today I realized that I did not "want" to be "gay". I always thought that I was OK with the fact that I am.

I am out at work, out with friends and family, I live my life "out loud and proud" or so I thought. Paul Ferrini in his book Love without conditions talks about thinking that the issues we clearly see as other peoples are really our issues, in fact I actually blogged about it in a writing titled If I see It It's Mine. Well, mine stared me in the face many times even though I couldn't see it as mine at the time. Throughtout the years I have been in friendships and sometimes in intimate relationships with people who are gay and hide it in some way or another. Some hide it behind drinking others hide it in drugs some behind the mask of bisexuality (that was me too) and others delve into who we are as a badge of honor hidden behind a deep self loathing that is unrecognizable to the naked eye (that's me too). All of them are reflections of me. They showed me the ugly truth about myself when I did not have the courage or strength to see it.

Today I feel like I have given birth to myself. I always thought that I had chosen to be "gay". I thought I could go either way because I don't hate men, or find them displeasing in a physical way. I believed the lie that I was fed as a child that lesbians hate men, and because I didn't, I thought surely I must be choosing to be gay. I know that sounds so silly now as I write it but on some deep level it made more sense before today. Today I can now see all the ways I have denied who I am because of shame and guilt. Today I forgive myself for not loving myself as I am. Today I realize that I could never really love anybody for who they are until I learn to love me for who I am just as I am. Today I recognize my divinity and my healing as a child of God just as I am.

Thought for Today:
Sometimes we think that God has made a mistake, when in reality it is us who made the mistake of thinking that God could have ever created anything in us but perfection. Every time we have a judgement it is an error in our thinking that must be changed.

Today's Affirmation:
I AM a Divine child of God just as I am. I was created on purpose for a purpose.